Mar 26, 2014

I Wonder, I Wander

Sometimes I wonder if I am enough. I wonder if I am doing all I can and all I should. I wonder if any of it gets through and makes any difference at all. I wonder a little and I wonder a lot.

These moments of self doubt and self fear can be brought on by any number of things. They come from exhausted attempts at correcting behavior. They come from times shared with amazing friends who are fiercely lovely and strong. They come at night, after I tuck my Littleman in bed and look into his eyes, seeing the love and the little disasters of the day reflected there. They come when I wake and decide to hide under the covers. They especially come when I feel overworked, under appreciated, and ready to just stop trying. Tonight they come from a seemingly silly source, something that shouldn't matter at all, but the doubts have come all the same.

Who am I and is it enough? I am sure, wandering through this life, we are meant to sometimes stop and ask ourselves this very question. It can be good and productive to wonder, but at times it can also be debilitating. Tonight I feel like I am wandering in one big circle, making progress for a little while, then coming round the backside and sinking again, getting nowhere at all. It is frustrating, but even worse, it is disheartening. I need my heart, I need all of it, and it is natural to wander and wonder and fear when my heart has been taken in this way.

Again, it isn't anything big causing the turmoil, but it feels big in the moment. It feels large, and looming like the long cast shadow at twilight. It feels like a small failure, if there is such a thing. The object itself is so small, but the shadow is hauntingly vast and I have stopped dead in that darkness. Will it pass? Certainly. Will I find the light again and with it my heart? Yes. Will I continue on? Assuredly, I will. I will plot the course and become the enough I am chasing. I will!

But not tonight. Tonight I wander. Tonight I wonder. Tonight I grow quietly in the shadow, waiting for dawn.

- From my iPhone

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